I have changed a lot…
I’ve realised that I wasn’t the person I was born to be.
I previously held a lot back. I know, if you know me, you’re thinking – What? That was you holding back?!
Well, yup. It was. If you read my previous blog, you’ll understand that it was me trying to be easy, accommodating, giving up myself for the greater good; but that I was essentially not living for myself and that couldn’t continue.
I realised that my partner and I were operating in a co-dependent relationship. Which is great, in many ways, because it comes from a place of pure love, but co-dependency actually has its root in fear of abandonment and fear of not being loved for who you are; so it’s definitely something you don’t let just sit and fester – there is work to be done when you are co-dependent.
I realised that people in my life that matter to me made me feel like I didn’t matter to them. I looked at my expectations and my frustrations and my annoyances with various people and realised that it was only upsetting me! So, I researched and worked through boundaries so that I could determine what “I” needed, not what I expected from others. It’s helped.
I realised that there is more to me than even I knew. I always felt I was capable, but it had been a loooong time since I had actually BEEN capable. So, when I, over the last few months have become more capable than ever, doing things I’d never even tried to do before and succeeding, I proved to myself who I really was and that nothing can hold me down. I was playing small before, playing a ‘role’. No more.
I realised that there was a broken little person in there holding her breath all this time. I feared life. I don’t really blame myself. I’ve had more shit happen to me than the toilet roll in your bathroom! But, being scared of ‘what’s coming’ only kept me in the shadows. I wasn’t ‘living’ at all. I was existing. Funnily enough, it was my fear of what’s to come that potentially caused what came after all!
I realised that I want more from life than what I’ve been getting, or rather, giving myself. There is so much joy out there that I just never allowed myself to experience. I was always on tender hooks trying to control everything without actually controlling anything. I could feel this buzz inside me, this energiser bunny just chomping at the bit to get out and live her life and yet, I hadn’t for the longest time.
I realised that I have no one other than myself at the end of the day. This sounds worse than it’s meant to and although I know I have people who care about me and love and support me, I also know that during the 'dark night of the soul', at 2am when all the barriers are down, there is no one inside my head and heart but me. It’s all on me. I have had some of the worst nights of my life recently and I’ve come through each one of them. (I wont add 'unscathed')
I realised that self-care really is the be all and end all. I never self-cared. Never. I didn’t even use to wash my make up off after a night out… like ever. I wore clothes that suited my mood only, without any consideration for what looked good. I didn’t realise that I wasn’t loving myself by not making myself a priority. I’ve since realised that if you don’t love yourself, you cant love anyone else properly either
I realised what it actually means to embrace life with both hands. I got out there. I tried new things. Made new friends, started new hobbies, introduced myself to myself! I went trapezing and adventure racing and camping and learnt French and knitted and started running and . . . and . . .
I learnt new things too, things that I originally had no interest in.
I learnt to trust the process. I learnt to trust the universe. To let go. To understand that I can want something with my whole heart and not necessarily get it. I learnt that the universe is in charge and although that’s scary, it’s also somewhat reassuring, because then you realise that what’s meant for you is truly meant for you.
I learnt about having boundaries. I learnt that I have to feel to heal.
I went out and got my own life. I made my own home inside myself. I went out and became a person first, a wife and mother second.
I embraced gratitude and being present and appreciation and truth and honesty.
I acknowledged that my old life is gone.
I understand that I had to get rid of the old to make room for the new – whatever that looks like.
In all my 47 years, this has been THE most trying time of my life… without question. And I did it. Essentially all on my own, I did it.
Once upon a time, I would have added onto that sentence ‘so don’t f*ck with me’ – but that person is gone. That person doesn’t really care what you do anymore. That person is too busy doing right by herself to worry about anyone else. And that’s not meant in a negative way, it’s just true.
I felt like I had changed about 40% for the largest proportion of those last 6 months.
Then, in less than 24 hours, it bumped up to 60%.