My equivalent of the Big C...

I did some ‘work’ recently on my Inner Child or my Wounded Child, which ever resonates with you guys best.

For me, I would have originally said it was my ‘inner’ child but now looking back I can recognise that I potentially am revisiting my ‘wounded’ child.

As you will have figured out by now, I feel I’m pretty easy breezy with most things.

In truth, I’m very comfortable with anger and agitation and ‘strength’ but have always shied away from feelings and vulnerability and ‘exposure’.

I genuinely have questioned myself before with regard to ‘am I actually a psychopath?!’ because I never really felt my feelings.

It wasn’t that I had them and repressed them, I just never could say that I genuinely had them.

I had feelings with EXTREME emotions, so if someone died, I cried etc, but most of the normal general stuff that people can sometimes get upset about, I just never did, and I really had a lack of empathy to some degree because I just couldn’t understand why people would get so upset about the things they were.

I never answered the question as to whether I was a psychopath, predominantly because it costs money to go and find that stuff out and I really wasn’t that bothered.

However… I had a recent crisis and voila, something turned up about the ‘inner child’ – I’m a big believer in signs, so I thought – right, there’s a message in here for me to learn, and so ‘off I go’.

I delved in to learning about the inner child, meditation, reading, workbooks, exercises etc and after undertaking a ‘session’ with myself, I discovered a few things about myself which I thought I would share – you may find you either need to investigate YOUR inner child or you may find that something I say below resonates with you too?!

I grew up in a household that was somewhat hectic.

  • My grandmother lived with us and let’s be honest, she was a bit of a bitch to my mother and that in itself put pressure on my parents relationship (as it would anyone’s)

  • My brother was killed as a teenager and as a result, my father shut down believing that God took his child away because he wasn’t a good father.

  • Then my sister had a terminal illness which required constant care, 8 tablets with every meal she ate, physiotherapy daily, hospital visits, you name it, my mum was fully booked out.

  • Then I was one of three kids – which is always difficult to manage. I struggle with two!

Now, having grown up in this environment – although my parents were VERY loving and VERY supportive and honestly loved me for who I was (and I maintain that’s why I’m so self-confident to this day) – but what I now believe happened is that as a young child “I” made the decision that life was so hectic around me that it was my job to be ‘easy’, to be accommodating, to give up my needs in order to remove any additional stress from my parents.

Now, they never asked me to do this. They never implied that I should. I think, I was just a kind, caring and empathetic child who could recognise that the people around me had way many more needs fulfilled than I did (who knew?!).

THEY needed help. I was ok. I could handle my own shit and I didn’t need to add to theirs.

As I meditated on this Inner Child work, I could see my younger self, standing in various rooms of my childhood home and the family around me dealing with all the things they were dealing with and there I was, standing there, quiet, not moving, not requiring any attention, or needing anything at all – and in many ways, looking back (but also in my body today while looking back at that inner child)

I could feel myself holding my breath.

I now realise that having done this for my childhood and teenage years and then progressing those lessons into my adulthood, I actually taught myself the skill of being easy, taking care of my own needs and requiring nothing of no one 😉 (I know it’s grammatically ‘anyone’)

The downside of doing this though… is that to be easy and accommodating and what-not, I ultimately gave up myself for the good of the bigger picture. I gave up my needs.

After a while, I think I had given them up for so long that I no longer had needs… but how do you get to a point where you no longer have needs? You stop feeling.

When you give up yourself, you give up your authenticity, your everything, who you are, what you think and what you feel.

It’s feeling that gives you needs. You feel sad, you need a hug or space. You feel angry, you need an outlet. You feel happy, you want to share it with others. I realise now, I just stopped feeling anything.

I just held my breath.
I held my breath for 47 years.