I have a problem.
I’m always working towards the next thing. I’m always aiming for more, for better, for what’s next.
But recently it came to my attention that in many ways, that’s a distraction from dealing with the real bread and butter of any issue.
The issue of removing the dead skin, the issue of releasing what is of no use anymore, and instead of focusing on what to build next, maybe in fact, I need to focus on what to let go of first. To consider letting go of what is holding me back.
Letting go of the person and the life that maybe no longer serves me as it once did. Letting go of what I believed I was supposed to be or to have. Letting go of the mould that maybe was set for me from birth or from my environment or the friends I chose or the school I went to. Letting go of the pain, suffering and grief. Letting go of the past.
Letting go of what was… So I can make room for what could be. I’ve ALWAYS loved a pant. Always. I’ve never really seen the value of a dress. I like other people in dresses and yes, occasionally I’ll put on a dress and think I look good – but usually it’s because of the colour that I like it. Rarely is it because it’s a dress.
I’ve also always LOVED short hair. I’ve preferred it to long hair. I always look at short haired people in admiration (well not always, some don’t really take care of themselves) but I must say when I look at short hair on a woman, I think confident, capable, Charlie’s Angel. And yet, I’ve had long hair for nearly 3 decades. Why? Also, why is it that now I’m thinking of shaving my head – everyone is telling me no? Hahaha.
The thing is, to be true to who I am, I have to do what I want to do. BUT what I also have to be careful of is doing something JUST BECAUSE they told me not to (I do have a ‘fuck you’ gene in there somewhere that I have to keep an eye on occasionally)
But it’s also about letting go of social constructs… what will I look like with a shaved head versus what will others think of me with a shaved head. And no, I don’t care what strangers think – but it’s fair to wonder what my husband might think.
I mean, will he still find me attractive? I guess, it’s 50/50 right.
BUT… surely, seeing your wife or partner looking happy, unencumbered, like they feel like themselves… THAT has to count for something yes?! So I’m thinking it’s more 60/40
People will no doubt think I’m having a mental break down. I’m not. That happened months ago! I’m actually coming into myself.
Like I said, I have ALWAYS wanted short hair… and I’ve always been curious about shaving it. I guess now I just have nothing to lose.
So, what else am I letting go of? (Apart from the long hair ponytailed me that everyone has come to love)
My internal rage, judgement, defiance, anger, resentment and general pissed-offness with people in my life.
I’m reading this book called ‘Atlas of the Heart’ and it talks about feelings. All sorts of feelings, and what they actually mean. It’s mind blowing to be honest. If you get a chance, read it! Brene Brown knows her stuff!
Anyway, one of the feelings that resonated with me was Envy.
NOW… HOLD UP!!!
I have never been a jealous person in my life! I have always believed that if I died that second and still would not choose to come back as someone else, I had no reason to be jealous and till today, I’ve still not wanted to come back as someone else. So no, I’ve never been jealous.
However, this is the distinction between jealousy and envy.
Jealousy is when you fear you are going to lose something (or someone) important TO someone else or something else.
Envy is when you want what someone else has.
I realised that my anger and my resentment and my rage and judgement and defiance was all built by the foundations of envy.
I used to be resentful of xxx because she managed to speak her mind openly and truthfully regardless of how it affected others. It made me angry. “How can she think she’s going to get away with that?!” But she would. She did! And it made me angry.
But in reality, it made me angry because I’d wished I could have done it too… and I didn’t.
So I’m letting go of all the cancer creating anger and rage and general frustration with people. I’m letting go of trying to control my life through others. Or letting others have control over what I choose to do or not do.
And thirdly – I’m only going for 3 right now – don’t want to overload the system.
What will the third be?
I’m going to let go of the person I became while living on auto-pilot.
The person who ate too much because they were trying to swallow their pain. The person who ‘couldn’t be bothered’ to do stuff because ‘it was too cold’ or ‘I’m too tired’ The person who sat on her rage because people in her life didn’t value her the way she valued them. The person who would do things she REALLY didn’t want to do because it was ‘expected’ or ‘the right thing to do’. The person who gave up who she was. WOW, ok, so all three are pretty heavy.
1. Changing what it means to be me (through my expression of myself and how I look) 2. Taking away a huge part of my personality of outrage and confrontation 3. Letting go of who I became while on auto-pilot This is how I level up. I spent the last six months going from a 3 out of 10 to a 7 out of 10. This is how I go from a 7 out of 10 to a 9 or 10 out of 10. Instead of looking at who you want to be… maybe have a look at who you don’t want to be anymore.
What do you need to release?